


Words I Can't Say

by Morning_Glory



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst and Porn, F/M, Future Fic, Hopeful Ending, Trope Bingo Round 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-02-08
Packaged: 2018-01-07 21:04:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1124366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morning_Glory/pseuds/Morning_Glory
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was just supposed to be a random bar hookup. A one-time thing. He wasn't supposed to look for her again and she definitely wasn't supposed to develop feelings for him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I've been wasting my time again

**Author's Note:**

> The expansion of the Darcy Lewis Smut Week prompt for day 6. This one kinda hurt to write, but I promise I'm not leaving it like this. Plan is for one more chapter that's in progress, but might be split into two if it reads better that way. Unbeta'd, mistakes are mine, Marvel's characters are not.

Darcy feels her heart thumping in her chest like a fish struggling on a line, every thrust dragging her closer. This kind of heat, this intensity, like the only thing on his mind is discovering all the ways he can wring pleasured reactions out of her, it's like nothing she's experienced before with anyone else. And it hurts, knowing it's not really  _her_  that he wants.

He was just supposed to be a random bar hookup. A one-time thing. Bucky - _James_. That’s how he’d introduced himself- wasn't supposed to look for her again and she definitely wasn't supposed to be having these kinds of  _feelings_  for him. But that was almost a year ago now and she's in way too deep, knows this thing between them has to end before she slips up and says something she shouldn't.

It sneaks up on her, the slick slide of his thumb,  _right_   _there_ , and she goes rigid, clenching around him, biting his shoulder to keep the words that want to spill locked behind her teeth. Another thrust, two, and he follows her over the edge, stilling inside her and finally ceasing the litany of exciting, hot,  _filthy_  things he’s been whispering in her ear. Darcy closes her eyes against the burning sensation of tears that she refuses to let fall.

It isn't the first time she's come home from work to find him waiting for her. It happens every so often, usually after he's been away for a while, - _work stuff_ , he tells her, never sharing the details- when he barely lets her close the door before he pounces, pins her to the nearest empty surface, shifts her cloths out of the way just enough to give him access, and  _takes_  her. The longer the absence, the more intense and needy he is during his next visit. At least for the first round; anything after that is unpredictable.

Darcy hisses softly, releasing her grip on him and pulling back as much as she can when he nuzzles against the side of her throat, trailing kisses up to her jaw as he slips out of her. Darcy unlocks her legs from around him, feeling the back of her suit jacket catch against the wall as he lowers her carefully to the floor. Eyes still closed, she turns her head away and pushes lightly against his chest to get him to back up. As soon as she has enough space, she slips away, every movement deliberate and showing nothing but calm. A part of her wonders when she got so good at pretending; good enough to fool even someone with his skills.

She shimmies out of her jacket and lets it fall without a word, not trusting her voice just yet. Darcy doesn't say anything until she's halfway down the hall, leaving a careless trail of clothes behind her, desperate for a shower and something comfortable to wear. She almost hopes he'll take this opportunity to disappear again while she's otherwise occupied, but it's unlikely. That stopped happening after the first couple of times.

"You know where everything is," she calls back over her shoulder, unbuttoning her shirt as she goes. Darcy doesn't look back as she lets it drop, leaving it on the floor just outside the bathroom. She closes and locks the door behind her, knowing it won't actually keep him out if he decides he wants in, but giving her a few seconds of warning if he does. With the water set just short of scalding, she strips away the rest of her clothes and steps into the shower.

The heat is soothing and she leans, palms flat against the wall, letting the water run down her back. Darcy drops her head forward between her arms and her shoulders shake with silent sobs as she finally lets the tears go. How much time passes, she isn't sure, but the click of the door unlocking has her straightening up so quickly her head spins a little. She tilts her face into the water, hoping to hide the evidence of her little crash before he can get a good look at her. The rush of cold air that follows James as he slips into the shower behind her makes Darcy shiver. His hands fall to her hips, both flesh and metal cool against her heated skin, allowing her to feel the twitch at the exact moment he notices the tattoo.

He clears his throat carefully before his voice rumbles out of him, deeper than normal. "That's new."

"Not really. Already healed and everything." Darcy shrugs, hoping he'll drop it, but pretty sure he won't. He doesn't.

"You didn't have any ink the last time I was home, Doll." His right hand moves up, fingers lightly tracing the outline of the tattoo along Darcy's right shoulder blade. "Now you have  _this_. Something you're trying to tell me?"

Darcy snorts. "I saw it. I liked it. I got it. End of story." At least as far as he's concerned. He doesn't need to know how she'd talked to Thor about it, wanting his permission first. Or how Thor had been surprised and delighted by her request to bear his mark, and more than happy to agree. Or how the prince had done her one better than just okaying the idea by bringing back a beautiful, one of a kind design of his symbol from a real Asgardian artist, just for her.

"So it's not some weird fangirl thing over a superhero?" If she didn't know better, Darcy would swear that sounded like jealousy in his tone. But it couldn't have been. That would be weird. She shakes her head.

“Has nothing to do with the  _superhero_.” Not technically a lie, as she was thinking about her  _friend_ , the man who saved her life, when she got it, and  _not_  the Avenger, so it also slips past his notice. Again, Darcy wonders at her ability to lie so convincingly, especially to him. "You got a problem with that?"

"Just curious." He brings his hands up to her shoulders and rubs carefully, using just the right amount of pressure to have her leaning back against him with a groan. "You okay? 'Cause you seem tense."

"Long week," another half-truth that he misses. Darcy starts to wonder if it's  _not_  her getting better, but him slipping, but it's not like she can ask anyone. No one knows about this thing she has with him, and she cut almost all ties to that life before the Winter Soldier was recovered. Except for the occasional meet up with Thor and Jane, and that one  _memorable_  vacation they all took with Sif and the Warriors Three, Darcy hasn't seen anyone from her intern days in a few years. Just thinking about the truckload of non-disclosure agreements she had to sign when she left still makes her wrist ache.

But Bucky - _James_ \- doesn't know about any of that. He doesn't know about her history with his friends and employers, and has no clue that she knows  _exactly_  who he is, and has from the first moment she saw the flash of his metal arm in the gap between his glove and coat. She could have stopped it all then, told him the truth, but it was already too late for her to turn back. In that moment, with his lips on her throat and his fingers thrusting deep, she had wanted him more than she had any man, even  _Fandral_  during their brief fling. And it was only supposed to happen the one time.

Thinking back on that first time makes her shiver and Bucky - _James_. Gotta remember to call him James- presses up against her back, hands drifting from her shoulders to roam over every inch of slick skin he can reach. His mouth latches on to her neck, and she just knows she's going to have a mark there later. Cool metal slides over her stomach and lower, searching, and so very careful, until,  _oh_ , she should not find that as hot as she as does. Feeling the way he touches her now, Darcy can tell he got whatever urgent need was driving him for the first round out of the way. Now he seems content to explore her more thoroughly and at a less frantic pace.

"Let me help you relax?" his voice is a low rasp next to her ear and she knows she should say no, knows all the reasons why this is a bad idea, but can't bring herself to do it. She nods her permission, not trusting her voice, and arches into his touch as he stops holding back. He works her over, slow and gentle, until Darcy cries out, and then starts over again, and again, and again, until her legs give and the only thing keeping her upright is his arm locked around her. Then, and only then, does he slide inside her, the steady rocking of his hips keeping to the pace his fingers set until she clenches around him and drags him over the edge with her.

Bucky stays wrapped around her, pressing soft kisses to her neck and shoulders as the water still pouring over them begins to cool. Eventually, the distant awareness of his hands as they work shampoo into her hair draws Darcy back to reality enough to help him. Working together, they manage to get both of them clean and rinsed before the water turns cold, but only just. They stumble out of the shower and Darcy chucks a towel at his head when Bucky looks her over with a smug grin. He catches it with a laugh and wanders across the hall to her bedroom as he dries off. Darcy grabs her robe and gives her hair a rough going over with a towel to get out as much of the excess water as she can before deciding to tie it up. It’s not ideal, but she's too exhausted to deal with it properly.

"You don't mind if I crash here, right?" His voice travels back through the open doors and Darcy sighs as she finishes her quick braid. After a moment spent leaning against the counter, she feels steady enough to face him. She checks that her robe is secure before joining Bucky in the bedroom, where he's already ditched his towel to sprawl naked across more than half of the bed.

"If that's what you want." Darcy lets her momentum carry her forward and flops down onto the bed, face first, careful to avoid touching him as she does. She can feel him staring at her, but doesn't lift her head from the pillow. Sleep tugs at her and she doesn't put up much of a fight. "What?"

"You sure you're okay?" The mix of curiosity and concern in his voice isn't surprising, given her attitude so far. She's been cooler, more distant than usual this time, with a slight edge to everything she says. It isn't easy, but Darcy knows she can't keep putting it off. Tomorrow, this has to be resolved.

"Said m'fine," she mumbles, managing a weak hand flap as she drifts off. She is vaguely aware of feeling the bed shift before she's out completely.

 

\-----------------------------------

Sometime during the night Darcy wakes with a gasp. It takes a few seconds for her brain to wake up enough to recognize why. Someone is... - _oh_ -  _Bucky's_  mouth is... -Oh,  _god_ \- He's... Her fingers reach down to tangle in his hair as he... - _don'tstopdon'tstopdon'tstop_ \- Pleasure shoots through her and she cries out wordlessly, all coherent thoughts disappearing when he keeps going.

 

\-----------------------------------

She's sitting at the table, hunched over her third cup of coffee, when he wanders into her tiny kitchen, fully dressed and frowning at his phone.

"I gotta head out for a bit. Work thing." Bucky absently drops a kiss to her shoulder as he passes behind her to grab his own mug. Darcy doesn't look up from the table. She hears his appreciative sigh, so familiar to her, before he drops into one of the other chairs. He’s watching her, she can feel it, but she can’t bring herself to look at him. “It shouldn’t take too long, so I was thinking we could--”

“This needs to stop.” Darcy cuts him off, forcing the words out past clenched teeth. Bucky goes still.

"What does?" His tone is curious, but carefully even, and she knows his barriers have just slammed shut. This is where things get difficult. She's not afraid of him, even knowing what she does about him, but Darcy doesn't know how he'll react to this, and it worries her.

"This. Us. What we've been doing." She forces herself to take a drink, breathe, settle down and handle this calmly. She's the one who got in too deep and developed feelings. It isn't fair to force that on Bucky when she knows he's hung up on someone else. "I've been putting this off for a while, but it's time to end it. This has to be the last time."

"Why?" Darcy hesitates at the question, rolling her mostly empty cup between her hands. She stares into the liquid as if it holds the answers for her, and finally decides it's better to not press her luck. No outright lies, only half-truths and misleading words in the hope that he won't figure her out.

"I got a promotion." The words come out barely above a whisper and he has to lean in closer to hear it, but when he does, he reaches over and squeezes her hand.

"Congratulations," Bucky's voice is soft, and Darcy's sure she's imagining that he sounds proud of her. Not when they're having this discussion. She knows she's right when he continues and nothing but curiosity remains. "But what does--" He stops talking when his phone beeps, but he ignores it to keep looking at her.

"I'm moving." There is a pause as Darcy picks her next words carefully. He watches her, completely silently, waiting for her to finish. "They've offered me a place to live, on site, fully furnished and rent free. I have 'til the end of next week to pack and get things shipped over there before I start work."

Bucky's phone beeps again and he sighs, pulling back to check the text. It beeps again before he even puts it down, and from the corner of her eye, Darcy sees him type out a response with one hand. She winces inwardly as he drops the phone on the table, focusing back on her.

"Why didn't you say anything sooner?" The faintest hint of censure in his tone is too much.

"You weren't here." She snaps, finally looking up at him. A bit of the bitterness slips through as she continues. “You’ve been out of contact for  _months_ , James. When  _exactly_ , in the two weeks I’ve known, was I supposed to tell  _you_?” She watches as his face blanks, eyes completely emotionless, and she knows this isn't Bucky she's facing anymore. He's slipped into his soldier persona, using his spy training to deal with the situation. Darcy can’t stand it and has to look away. "New job, new city. Feels like the right time to make a fresh start."

The silence between them draws out past the point of discomfort and it takes every ounce of restraint in her for Darcy to stay in her seat. She feels him watching her again and the urge to squirm increases, but she resists. She’s been so careful about not giving herself away for this long, she’s determined not to mess up now, when she’s finally worked up the courage to end it. It’s better for both of them this way.

"You moving doesn't mean this has to end." It’s not what she expected to hear from him, but before she can figure out how to react, a song Darcy doesn’t recognize erupts from the phone between them. They both stare at it in frustration for a few seconds before Bucky picks it back up and presses to ignore the call. Acting as if there was no interruption, he picks up his previous train of thought. "If it's just about distance, we can make that work. I can come see you. Or you could come back here to visit when you get time off." The song rings out again and this time he ignores it without even looking at the screen.

"A clean break is for the best." Darcy shakes her head at his suggestions, but feels herself wavering. The phone rings again and Bucky snarls, picking up and letting loose a string of curses in at least four different languages at the person on the other end of the line. Amid the tangle of foreign words is a name that Darcy is far too familiar with hearing him say, and she just barely resists flinching as she listens to him talk to the person he really wants. It firms her resolve, and when he hangs up, she continues with a steady voice. “It’s time to let go.”

“Look, Darcy, I have to do this thing right now, but I’ll come back when I’m done." The frustration Bucky let out through the phone leaves no trace when he focuses back on her. She risks looking at him again and, as far as she can tell, he's back to the even and closed off man from before, still a few shades off from the Soldier. She'll take what she can get right now. "We need to talk about this.”

“Nothing more to say." Darcy shakes her head. "My mind’s made up.”

"And I don't get a say in this?" For a moment, his voice flares with undisguised anger and Darcy bites the inside of her lip hard enough to draw blood. "What I think doesn't matter?"

"James, please don’t make this harder than it has to be.” Darcy’s voice is surprisingly even, words clipped and hard edged. - _don’tcrydon’tcrydon’tcry_ \- She pushes away from the table to pace in the tiny kitchen area, away from Bucky. "It's over, and I think it would be better if we didn't see each other again."

" _Darcy_ -"

"I'll be at work on Monday," she keeps talking, knowing if she lets him say anything her resolve will shatter. That can’t happen. She crosses her arms as she turns her back to him, not sure how much longer she'll last before she loses control of her expression and can't hide her breaking heart anymore. "You can come back then to pick up anything you've left here, and drop off the copy you made of my keys."

"So that's it then. Just like that?" His voice is colder than Darcy's ever heard it before, and she knows she's lost him. Driven him away. Mission accomplished. She clenches her teeth so hard her jaw aches as she fights against the sudden urge to throw up. "It's just that  _easy_  for you to walk away."

" _Please_ ,  _just go_." She barely gets the words out, but after a moment of silence he moves, stomping through the apartment, muttering darkly as collects what he needs from the other room and storms out.

Darcy hears the front door slam and lets go, sliding down the lower cabinets to sit on the floor with her arms hugging her legs to her chest. She slumps forward to rest her head on her knees and finally breaks.

 


	2. Been messing up for too long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Post-breakup, Darcy spends some time with friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took a few turns along the way, but finally got it done. Figured out it worked better as 3 parts, so the last chapter will come when it's finished.

The restaurant hums quietly with activity, despite the many empty tables during the post-lunch, pre-dinner lull. Not too large or too small, but comfortable, and homey, they discovered it together one night after a five day science binge and it quickly became Jane's favourite escape in New York.

Darcy sips her water as she stares absently at the painting on the wall, enjoying the distraction from her thoughts, when she hears her name in a low rumble. She turns to look and, after a few seconds of just staring, recognition kicks in and she gives a genuine smile for the first time in what feels like days.

Thor grins back at her and catches Darcy when she stands and throws herself at him, arms wrapping around his neck. He lifts her off the floor easily and spins her in a quick circle that has her muffling a burst of laughter against his chest as he hugs her tightly to him. When he finally puts her down, she drops back into her chair and nods for Thor to join her. He drags his chair closer to her as she studies him, taking in the casually appropriate clothes he's wearing, -jeans and a Henley beneath a leather jacket that that fits him just right- and the way his hair is tied back. Once he's settled, she leans forward and strokes her fingers against his jaw, grinning at his questioning look.

"You shaved." He explains it was a suggestion to help conceal his identity when out in public and Darcy taps him on the chin. "It's a good look for you." When she tries to pull her hand back but he captures it, brushing a kiss against her knuckles before he lets her go. She can feel the heat in her cheeks and ducks her head.

"And you are still as enchanting as ever when you blush." Thor's tone is light, with just a hint of teasing, and it makes Darcy laugh and shoot back a comment about him being desperate enough to steal lines from Fandral. His answering smirk is unrepentant. "It has been far too long since we've had the pleasure of your company, Darcy. How do you fare, my friend?"

"You know, the usual ups and downs." Darcy shrugs, keeping the answer light to not bring the mood down. Just being around Thor is rejuvenating, and his unusual way of speaking is oddly comforting to her. She perks up and slaps her hand lightly on the table. "Oh, but something big did change since the last time you saw me. I did the thing. I'm officially inked."

It takes him a few seconds to parse the words, but when the meaning hits he rewards her with a pleased smile so bright, it's almost hard to look at. "May I see?" Darcy nods as she turns in her chair so her back is to him and reaches around to tug at the back collar of her shirt to show him where to look.

"Have to make do with this for now, 'cause I love ya, big guy, but I'm not taking off my shirt in public for you.  _Again_." A low laugh rumbles from him as he murmurs about honouring their agreement to never speak of it again. His fingers hook carefully in the collar of her shirt, pulling it out of the way so he can lean over and see. For a few long moments there is nothing but the quiet sounds of the restaurant around them, but then Darcy feels a soft kiss pressed to the spot where her neck meets her shoulder.

"Beautiful." He fixes her shirt, smoothing it out carefully and giving her shoulders an extra squeeze, before sitting back so she can turn to face him again. "You are pleased with it?"

"I love it. And when I get a good picture, I'll make copies for you and your artist friend." A waiter approaches to take their order and there is a little debate whether to wait or not before deciding to give the kitchen a head start on dealing with Thor's appetite. Darcy makes her choice and adds in Jane's favourite dish and some wine as well. "So, are we placing bets on whether she shows up or not?"

Thor laughs at the old joke between them and shakes his head. "This lateness was beyond her control, but Jane has been looking forward to this for some time. We all miss you. None of the Minions have been even half as good for her as you were." Darcy drops her head to the table, giggling, at his use of  _her_  word for the assistants who used to wander the labs, all S.H.I.E.L.D flunkies who never really got Jane or her work.

"Tell me what I've missed?" Darcy can hear the longing in her tone, and Thor reaches over to squeeze her hand as he tells her what he can, pausing only when the wine is brought out to them. He keeps his voice low as he tells her things that aren't classified, funny stories about what the people they know have been up to; things to make her laugh, and occasionally cringe -Oh my god, Stark.  _Really_?- He keeps up the physical contact, occasionally releasing her hand to brush her hair back from her face or stroke her arm. These little touches, remnants of Darcy once making a drunken confession to feeling touch starved by the lack of human interaction in her new life in New York, are small things, but she appreciates that he still remembers and cares enough to make the effort for her. In an odd way, it reminds her of Bucky, but before she can travel too far down that mental rabbit hole, she's distracted by a new voice.

"Sorry! I know I'm late. It wasn't my fault, I swear." Darcy and Thor both stand as a frazzled Jane weaves her way through the tables over to them. Thor kisses her thoroughly in greeting and Darcy averts her eyes to let them have their moment, which is why she's surprised to quickly find herself with an armful of astrophysicist. If Darcy holds on a little tighter than usual, neither of them is going to say anything.

“Missed you too, Bosslady." When they finally separate, Thor offers Jane his seat and drags another chair around to sit close on Darcy’s other side. Darcy mutters a joke about the odd looks they’re getting from a few of the other patrons for the way they’re sitting, piled together on one side of the large table, practically in each others laps. Jane arches an eyebrow at Thor and both of them at once shift their chairs over even closer. Darcy laughs. It’s still one of her favourite memories, figuring out Jane was actually fun, and kinda _cheeky_ , when not obsessing about science. “You guys are  _so bad_.”

"I don't know what you mean," Jane holds a straight face for maybe ten seconds under the look Darcy gives her before cracking. While they are all catching their breath, the waiter reappears with some help, bringing the first of the ordered dishes. It takes a couple of trips to the kitchen and back to get everything out to them and Jane teases them for the enormous amount of food covering the table.

"If nothing else, you'll have a lot of awesome leftovers." Darcy shrugs, then gives Thor an exaggerated side-eye for a moment, glancing at the food and back. "I'm gonna guess not though." She passes Jane a glass of wine and Thor makes a toast before they start their meal. They keep up the light conversation as they eat, occasionally stealing bites from each others plates when something looks good, a habit picked up when they they were sharing close quarters in London all those years ago. Still, watching Thor and Jane fork-duel over the last meatball will never  _not_  be funny.

"So, don't think I haven't noticed how carefully you've been avoiding a certain topic." Jane's comment comes out of nowhere and Darcy chokes on the wine she's sipping. She sets her glass down carefully as she clears her throat, but any thought of denial dies at the look Jane gives her.

"We're not ruining today by getting into my poor life choices." Darcy tries to make it sound like a joke, but knows she failed when it earns a curious glance from Thor instead. He keeps his questions to himself, bowing out to experience, and lets Jane lead the conversation.

"How else are we supposed to keep entertained?" It takes Darcy a second too long to laugh at the tease, and she can see the focus Jane usually reserves for science locking on to her. "Okay, no. What's going on?"

"When did you get so good at reading people?" Jane's unimpressed look really hasn't changed at all, and after a few more seconds of hesitation, Darcy sighs. "Break-up hangover. I ended things yesterday morning." Thor reaches over to squeeze her hand in sympathy as Darcy picks up her glass with the other, drinking deeply as Jane takes a moment to think about what she said. It doesn't take long.

"Please tell me we're not talking about the same guy as last time? From the bar last year?" Darcy bites her lip and can't meet Jane's eyes, the exchange causing Thor to perk up, and the sudden intensity of his focus sending an electric tingle up her arm from where he's still touching her. Jane's fallen back on the old mix of frustration and disappointment, the one that always made Darcy tease her about playing the overprotective big sister. "Oh,  _Darcy_. I thought that was over months ago? Why would you put up with that asshole for so long?"

Darcy rolls her eyes. "He wasn't--"

"He was calling you someone else's name when you were having sex. That is not the sign of a healthy relationship." Good old Jane, never pulling her punches. Thor frowns at the new information and Darcy thinks she hears him growl. His hold on her hand tightens, not enough to be uncomfortable, but definitely a reminder that he is there.

"That only happened a few times. It stopped a while ago." She ducks her head as she says it, knowing how bad it sounds. It was one of the things she had to work through in her own head for the thing with Bucky to last as long as it did, and was still part of her decision to end things. "He wasn't a bad guy, Jane." -The Not Voluntarily qualifier only gets added in her own head- Darcy doesn't know whether telling them the truth now would make it better or worse.

"Yeah, well,  _using_  you as a substitute for someone he couldn't have, and then randomly disappearing doesn't leave a great impression." Darcy knew telling Jane was a bad idea, but at the time, she needed the outside perspective on what was happening.

"Right, because no guy who randomly disappears for great lengths of time can possibly be worth dating." It's a low blow, but effective, and stops Jane cold. Jane frowns as much at the words as at the underlying sharpness of the tone and Darcy feels bad for even going there. She slides her hand away from Thor to pour herself more wine and almost misses the response as she drinks.

"Its not the same thing, and you know it."

"You'd be surprised, actually." Darcy mutters to herself, too quiet for Jane to pick up, before she finishes off her drink. Thor shoots her a funny look, like he heard what she said, and for a second Darcy has the unreasonable panic that he  _knows_. She scrambles for a deflection. "You know me better than that, Jane. I wouldn't have stuck with him as long as I did if there wasn't something worth sticking around for."

"Good sex is not enough--"

"Not the sex," Darcy cuts off that line of conversation quickly, glancing around at the nearby tables to make sure no one is paying attention to them. She lowers her voice, just in case. "If it was only about that, my last  _three_  relationships would have lasted longer, Fandral included. I understand about his disappearing act. He explained that to me." More half-truths and misdirection. Darcy sighs, thinking over what she wants to say and carefully avoiding using Bucky's name. Either of them. "Aside from the whole being in love with someone else thing, he's pretty much the perfect guy for me. He's sarcastic and funny, even sweet, when he wants to be. He  _gets_  me Jane.  _Me_. Do you even understand how rare that is?" -Ugh, don't start crying now- Darcy blinks rapidly and clears her throat. "If we'd met under any other circumstances, pretty sure he'd be one of my best friends. And there were even a few times I thought it could work."

"Yet we never met him." Jane shakes her head. "Even Clint never saw him."

"Why would he?" The guilty look on her face is answer enough for Darcy. "Jane, tell me you didn't send the spook squad to spy on me." The explanation for why Jane asked Hawkeye, of all people, to check up on her occasionally is mostly awkward and Darcy grumbles about overprotective friends and boundaries and the function of telephones, but forgives quickly when Jane apologizes. She can't help a final sarcastic comment about it though. "You couldn't have just gone for the best and sent the Widow after me?"

"She was busy the first time, so it was just easier to stick with who I had." Jane won't meet her eyes and Darcy can't tell if that was meant to be a joke or not. The next comment gives it away. "It's not like I asked Heimdall to do it."

Darcy snorts and throws a napkin at Jane. "Not funny."

"It's a little funny." And while a part of Darcy agrees and admits that it's kind of nice that her friend cares enough to send Avengers to make sure she's okay, and that they care enough to do it for her, it's still a little weird. "So if things could have worked, why did you end it?"

"I think part of me would always be wondering if he'd leave, if the chance came up with the other person." The truth, but not the whole truth. There is no way to explain the fear of him not coming home from a mission without giving away enough that one of them might put the pieces together. And the concern over the potential fallout from the inevitable meet-the-friends thing. Darcy has a pretty good idea how he'll react to finding out she hid that from him for so long, and it won't be pretty. Even worse was the thought of what he would have done if he'd come back to find her already gone. And, in the end, all the effort she made trying not to hurt him along the way was for nothing. It just made the ending that much harder. "Moving was also a factor. The distance wasn't gonna help things, so I took it as the push I needed to end it."

"Give me a name, and I shall teach him a lesson about the proper way to treat a lady." Thor finally speaks up, and Darcy is quick to shut him down as nicely as she can. The last thing anyone needs is Bucky and Thor fighting. That would get ugly, quick. It's when he offers to set her up with someone new, and suggests  _Steve_ , that Darcy loses her cool.

"NO!" It comes out louder and sharper than intended, and Darcy makes a serious effort to calm herself down at the alarmed look from Jane. It doesn't stop the feeling like she's just been punched in the chest though. "No soldiers, no superheroes, no spooks. Part of why I left was to get away from stuff like that. And it's only been a day. Give me some time to wrangle my feelings at least."

She thinks she made a good show of covering her slip, but it's hard to tell. Thor looks suspicious now, and it hits Darcy, the thought from earlier that he knew, and then this. It all probably has him thinking  _Steve_  is her mystery guy. -Oh, god. Damage control time.-

"Look, I get that Steve isn't as shiny as his image, but let's be real about this. You've met a couple of my exes. Do you really see  _him_  as my type?" 

Surprisingly, Jane breaks the tension by laughing. "Actually, you two would probably be good for each other. If Bucky didn't get to you first, of course." Darcy puts her head down and covers her ears, babbling nonsense sounds to block out the words. Childish, maybe, but it used to work back when she started interning for Jane to stop the overly sciencey explanations. Jane stops talking to poke her. Distraction successful. "Hint taken. Subject dropped."

"Finally," Darcy sighs, hoping she doesn't look as ragged as she feels. She pulls on every trick she has, every skill she used to keep Bucky from knowing just how hard she fell for him, to keep from breaking apart now. She won't let this ruin her time with Thor and Jane. If either of them notice she's only pretending to be okay, neither says a word about it, and she's grateful. "You do realize you guys are stuck playing tour guide when I move, right?"

"We can do that." Jane's smile is contagious, and it's so clear she's happy about Darcy's promotion and move. "You're gonna love the Tower."

"It will be good to have you closer to us again." Thor reaches for her hand, and while it isn't as bright as earlier, he grins. "Everyone looks forward to meeting you."

Darcy groans. "How much am I going to regret agreeing to this?"

As Thor and Jane start telling her stories about life in Avengers Tower, none of them notice the pair of former Russian assassins tucked away in one of the darker corners, watching them. 


	3. Let's take another trip home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The thought that something about this isn't right skitters through her brain, along with the sudden dread that she's screwed up badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took longer than expected, but the final chapter is done. Think I got everything I wanted in it, but I've been staring at it so long, I'm just not sure anymore.

It's late, and the apartment is dark and silent when she finally gets home. Darcy kicks the door closed with her heel and turns to lock it, taking a moment to press her forehead to the cool wood, soft smile from her night out still in place. After a few seconds, she takes a slow breath and lowers her hand towards the front of her coat.

" _Don't_." The tone is colder than she's used to, but she knows that voice,  _intimately_. The hand reaching for her taser stops and a slightly shaky exhale is the only outward sign that she knew someone else was there, almost from the moment she'd shut the door.

"What are you doing here, James?" She doesn't lift her head or turn to face him, grounding herself as the smile slips away, dragging with it the lingering light feelings from spending her day with friends. "I thought I was clear last time, about not seeing each other."

“Did you have a good time today?” She can feel his eyes on her, reading her reactions at his carefully too casual words. Darcy's heart sinks - _He knows_ \- and for a fraction of a second, she wonders if he was following her. She dismisses the thought immediately. She knows what he does, what he's been  _trained_  to do, but she refuses to believe he'd do that to her, no matter how things have gone between them. Despite what he might think of himself, he's a better man than that. "Because the strangest thing happened when I was in Manhattan."

"You saw us." And if putting on a show for Jane and Thor earlier was difficult, the effort to keep it together now is agony. She forces herself to turn and face him, and can just make out his silhouette sprawled in the chair he'd always claimed was his favourite; the one he always used when waiting for her. She can't help flushing as she's hit with some of the memories of things they've done in that chair, and knows his choice of where and how to sit was a deliberate goad. She clenches her teeth, reaching over to slap the light on so they are on more even ground. Part of her relishes his flinch at the sudden brightness. "We're not together anymore. Who I spend time with now is none of your business."

He doesn't contradict that, and she knew he wouldn't. Even if Thor hadn't shared things about Bucky's past with her,  _James_  had made his feelings about boundaries and consent very clear right from the start. The fact that he's here now, after she asked him not to come back, has got to be eating at him and proves just how messed up things really are.

"That's true. But even though  _you_  ended things, it doesn't mean you get to decide when  _I_  stop worrying or caring about you." Darcy bites the inside of her lip at just how soft his words are. It's not fair. She was ready to deal with his anger, not this quiet man telling her he still cares, and it tears her up inside. The regret over her choice creeps up on her again, but she knows she has to hold firm. Whatever good there was between them would never have worked with someone else in his thoughts. "I know what you said, but I still don't understand. What changed while I was gone this time?"

"I don't know what you want me to say." The evenness of her voice surprises Darcy, but she distracts herself with routine, untangling herself from her bag and hanging it up on the hook to the left of the door.

"How about the truth? Haven't heard that from you yet." She turns halfway back, keeping a wary eye on him as she slowly starts working at the buttons of her coat. "Not completely, at least. For a start, you said the tattoo wasn't about the superhero. Why lie about it?"

"I wasn't--"

" _Don’t._ ” He cuts her off, his voice taking on a predatory edge and she freezes. There's the anger she was expecting. Bucky shifts forward in his seat, hunching to rest elbows on knees and peering at her through the hair that's fallen over his eyes, shadowing them from her. ”Don’t  _lie_  to me. You can at least give me that much." Darcy closes her eyes and nods. He's calm when he continues, and Darcy wonders if she'll be seeing the Soldier again today. "How long were you sneaking around behind my back?”

The words hit her like a punch to the gut and her shocked laugh is sharp and painful to her own ears. She lashes out, the anger at his words, after the things he's done, making her slip past her carefully controlled mask.

“You should get your facts straight before throwing out accusations like that. If there was any sneaking around happening, it was with  _you_.” She hears Bucky shifting and opens her eyes. He's sitting up, perched on the edge of the seat, alert, like an animal sensing a predator. The image of the meerkat from the Lion King flashes through her thoughts and fighting against the sudden burst of manic laughter is enough to cut through the anger and get her control back. She faces him again, leaning back against the door. "I've known  _him_  longer."

"Than you've known  _me_?" His voice is steady, but she catches a brief flash of something that might be doubt in his expression before it disappears. She's never seen him uncertain before, and a small part of her cheers that she threw him off stride. The rest of her worries because she has no idea what to expect from him now.

"Than  _you've_  known him." Darcy drops her head back and stares at the ceiling. She knows he's watching her, but hesitates, needing to work herself up to the idea that it's just wasting time to keep hiding it now that he knows this much. He'll just keep digging on his own, even if it means going to Thor, and then things would get very messy. If she gets it over with quickly, he'll leave and they can move on with their lives. "Longer than almost  _anyone_  here's known him. I was part of the first contact when Thor fell."

"You're with S.H.I.E.L.D.?" Darcy doesn't need to look at his face, she can hear his complete revulsion at the idea. Funny, considering  _he's_  an agent most of the time, when he's not playing Avenger on a probationary basis. Maybe it's the part where he didn't figure it out before that bothers him? Or if he thinks he was being played the whole time? It certainly not the idea of sleeping with a coworker; not if some of the stories she's heard about him are  _unembellished_. The funniest part, in that not-at-all-funny kinda way, is that he's so appalled over something that isn't even close to true.

"Oh, they  _wish_  they'd got to him first." The silence draws out and, curious, Darcy can't help but look. For someone so well trained, he's really doing a terrible job of not telegraphing his thoughts. She sees the way his expression twists as he thinks it through, and sees the moment of recognition. She watches the quick flick of his tongue against his lips before he drags the bottom one between his teeth, something Darcy figured out meant he was nervous about five months into this this thing of theirs. It's not the only tell she knows about, but she's realistic enough to assume it's because Bucky stopped hiding them from her, not that she's so good at reading him. It's a surprise that he's still letting her see them now though.

"You were the intern." It's not a question, and Bucky drops his head and sighs at her nod. With his eyes closed, Darcy feels safer looking at him, even though she knows he can feel the scrutiny. He was always hyper-aware of her eyes on him when they were together, and used to tease her about how much she liked watching him. -ugh, don't think about things like that  _now_ \- "Your name was blacked out in any of the files I had access to. I couldn't find any details about you, and everyone was surprisingly close-mouthed about it all."

"Nice to know S.H.I.E.L.D. kept their word about something." She hesitates. "You know, even just telling you this much, I've broken my non-disclosure agreements." Bucky's head snaps up suddenly and this time Darcy doesn't look away. He said he wanted the truth, and she needs to know what he's going to do with it. "So if you're gonna call the MiB to come and disappear me, can I get a little warning? I'd like a chance to leave a message for the people who'll miss me."

Bucky flinches at that shot and, this time, Darcy takes no pleasure in it. She knows he'll realize quickly that she was testing him, but it is necessary. If he wanted to, he could tear her life down around her. She trusts, maybe foolishly, that he won't, but still needs him to be aware of the damage he could do to her now that he knows. And she can't squash the small bit of hope that it'll help him understand why she kept it all a secret for so long, because the idea of him hating her just hurts too much.

"I wouldn't. I  _won't_." His voice is firm, and Darcy can't help the shaky sigh of relief. Just as quickly, her heart sinks at how understanding he's being about this. He shouldn't want to have anything to do with her after the last few days, and yet he's here, not closed off and angry, but listening to her and letting her see his emotional reactions. She knows he's playing her a little, easily getting the answers she spent almost a year hiding from him, but there's something more to it than that. The thought that something about this isn't right skitters through her brain, along with the sudden dread that she's in over her head and screwed this up badly. She's missing something important here. Darcy pushes the thought away as Bucky stands up and starts to pace.

"You knew who I was." He pauses at the end of a turn to watch her answer and at Darcy's nod, he wants to know when. She lowers her eyes to the floor before answering, not wanting to see his reaction.

"First time I saw your arm."

He mutters something in a language Darcy can't even guess at, that, based on his tone, has to be cursing. Creatively too, if the length of time he keeps it up is anything to go by. His voice is a low growl when he finally shifts his attention back to her.

"Why didn't you say anything?" Darcy lets out a humourless laugh and rubs the heels of her hands into her eyes. When she lowers her arms, she pulls her hands into the sleeves of her jacket and curls them up into fists, preemptively countering her urge to fidget, one of her own tells. She hears the echo of Bucky's voice in her head, telling her that hiding is revealing in its own way, and crosses her arms too, just to spite it.

"Because by that point we were already," she stops and takes a breath and feels the warmth of the blood rushing to her cheeks. She can't even bring herself to say it, which is funny considering the things they've done together. "And then after, I thought..." She lets the sentence hang as she closes her eyes and shakes her head. "It was only supposed to happen once. I promised myself I'd just forget it and move on, because odds were, I'd never see you again. But then there you were, and you were so," a frustrated hiss ends that thought as she remembers just how easily he slipped through her defences that second time. "And against my better judgement, I brought you back here. You know what happened after that."

"Apparently not, if over ten months into this relationship, you  _still_  didn't tell me you knew." He doesn't even sound upset about it, and Darcy can almost hear his eyes roll. He could be commenting on the weather for all the emotion he lets show, and for some reason  _that_  dismissal gets a reaction out of her like nothing else. It startles a rough, painful laugh out of Darcy and she leans on the table to the right of the door to keep herself upright as she stares at Bucky.

"You think  _this_  is a  _relationship_?" Whatever he hears in her voice has Bucky suddenly on high alert. At any other time she'd probably be impressed by how quickly he achieved that enviable sniper stillness. "I don’t know what  _your_  history is like, but generally relationships have things like  _dating_ , and  _kissing_ , and actually being seen together in public, instead of hiding it away like a dirty secret. We don’t have  _any_  of that. "

The words taste bitter on her tongue and she feels her control slipping again as she lashes out. That feeling of dread returns twice as strong when she realizes she's not even sure if Bucky's still breathing at this point, but she can't stop the vitriol now that it's started.

"You turn up at my apartment randomly and we fuck." The words are crude and blunt, and it's all Darcy can do not to cringe at her tone, even as her mind works ahead that maybe, if she's harsh enough, he'll leave before she has to admit to just how deep her feelings go. She may not have his love, but she definitely doesn't want his pity. "Sometimes you hang around for a few days, but mostly not. No one knows about us. You come and go whenever you want, and then you disappear again, no phone calls, no contact until the next time you show up looking for an easy lay."

Things were never as terrible as her words now make them sound. Aside from a rocky start, most of the time it was actually good between them, if not a conventional relationship. But now it's become as much about distancing herself from it all as about driving him away. And it's like a shock to her brain as she realizes she knows exactly what to say for maximum impact. It's a horrible thought, something she never thought she would actually say to him, and she grits her teeth as she forces herself to meet his eyes.

"Do you even know how many times you called out a name that wasn't mine during that first month?" Bucky's reaction is so much worse than she expects. She can actually see the colour leeching away as his face twists in pain and horror. It's enough to finally make her stop.

His expression reminds her too painfully of her old life. New Mexico. London. New York. Even Washington. The Destroyer, the Chitauri, Dark Elves. The expressions of the people who didn't flee fast enough from the things trying to kill them. The faces of her coworkers in D.C. as flying ships fell from the sky, raining fire and death, bringing their office and city down around them.  _Erik_ , dying in the street with pieces of shrapnel in his chest, before Thor's magic rock saved him. - _wrongwrongwrongwrong_ \- She turns away, hunches over the table and covers her mouth with her hands, fighting the urge to be sick.

"I am so sorry." The soft apology, coming closer to her than expected, shocks her out of her memories. Darcy turns and sees that Bucky stands only a few feet away now, watching her with concern. He's still pale and tense, but either she was out of it for longer than she thought, or he's slipped behind his training to process his reaction and hide it from her as much as possible. When she doesn't respond, confused over his apology, he takes another step closer; a cautious approach. "Darce?" He almost never uses that nickname, and he sounds so lost that her heart aches at it. "Please, say something."

"I won't tell anyone who, if that's what you're worried about." She chokes out eventually, and Bucky backs away with a loud, frustrated, sound.

"Dammit, that's not," he goes silent and clenches his fists as he starts pacing again. Every time he turns, Darcy can see him thinking, making connections in his head and she can almost follow the the thought process until his face smooths out and the barriers slam up. She stifles a gasp, and just for a moment considers the futility of running, as the Winter Soldier turns to stare at her.

The intensity of that look is like nothing she's ever experienced before, like he can read everything about her, sees everything she wants to hide, and while she knows he's still Bucky, it's different. Her pulse jumps as his eyes track over her, cataloguing every reaction, - _Oh_. Okay, maybe  _not_  so different. That's not appropriate right now- and after what feels like forever, but can't have been more than a minute, he resumes pacing without a word. He doesn't stop watching her as he moves, like a cornered animal waiting for a chance to strike. Darcy focuses on trying to get her shaking under control and Bucky eventually speaks up again.

"This whole time, you thought I was thinking about someone else." It's not a question, but the expectant silence compels an answer.

"Yes." Darcy jumps, barely biting back a yelp as Bucky turns, so fast it's hard to follow his movements and slams his fist, the flesh and blood one, into the wall. Based on the way things shake, he's hit one of the wooden supports, and she hears the crack from across the room. She can’t tell if the sound came from the wall or his hand. When he pulls back, he turns and takes a step towards her. She can't help but wince at the sight of his bloody knuckles, and the red dent he's left in her drywall. Bucky freezes.

"Darcy, I'm not going to hurt you." It's still the Soldier standing there, hyper-alert and always calculating, but while his words are steady, they have the faintest broken edge to them, something Darcy would call desperation in anyone else.

“Never thought you would. Not for a second." The swiftness of her response surprises them both. The words are out almost before he finishes talking, before she even thinks them, scoffing at the idea that he would even suggest it. When she goes over what just happened in her head, she understands and forces herself to meet his study head on. The look of confusion on his face makes her heart ache and she can't hold up against it, dropping her eyes to his chest. Her voice is just above a whisper, but it's all she can manage. "You hurt your hand."

Bucky glances down and sees the blood, and gives a quick look at the damage to the wall. Darcy can see the tension draining out of him as he realizes she wasn't flinching away from him in fear. He frowns as he looks back at her.

"I don't understand you." He shakes his head as he wipes his hand off on his jeans. He grimaces slightly when he flexes it into a fist, but shakes it off as if it doesn't matter that he's probably just broken at least a few of his fingers. "None of your reactions make sense. You'll stare down a man who scares the Black Widow, but a little bit of blood makes you flinch."

The sudden instinct to snark back is strong and before Darcy can really think about it, the words slip out. "And I tased the God of Thunder, but still need someone else to get rid of spiders for me. I'm strange and full of contradictions, and if you're just figuring that out, then maybe those legendary skills of yours are slipping." She slaps a hand over her mouth, watching Bucky with wide eyes. It takes a few seconds for him to react, the corners of his lips twitching upwards slightly.

"You tased Thor?" There is something like pride in his tone as he gives her another assessing stare. Earning approval from the Winter Soldier? There's a scary thought. Darcy blushes at the idea. "No, that's not important right now. Someday, I'd like you to tell me that story though."

"Thor tells it better." Darcy lowers her hand, watching warily as Bucky comes closer. He keeps his movements slow, deliberate, trying to be as non-threatening as someone like him can be, given his current state. He finally stops with less than a foot of space between them, reaching out to touch her. She sees Bucky hesitate and pull back, switching to his injured right hand, and Darcy frowns. He's never been reluctant about touching her with the metal hand before, not since she'd made it clear to him that first night that it didn't bother her.

Before he reaches her, Darcy reacts by grabbing his wrist, very carefully. He goes still, watching her, and she keeps her grip loose, just enough that he knows it's there. She knows he could get away easily if he wanted to, but he doesn't, waiting for her to make a move. Darcy slips past him and heads towards the kitchen, pulling him along behind her with a gentle tug. He follows in silence.

As they reach the table, Darcy kicks one of the chairs out enough to manhandle Bucky into it, very aware that he lets her do it. There's no way she'd be able to move him without his cooperation, but he seems willing to go along with it, for now. Once he's settled, she releases him to grab an ice pack from the freezer and a towel to wrap it in. She hears the scrape of the chair legs against the tile as he turns it to keep watching, but Bucky still says nothing until she brings over the ice.

"Thank you." She can tell he's curious about the sudden caretaking, but he doesn't comment as he accepts the pack from Darcy and arranges it to cover his right hand on the table. She starts to back away, but his hand shoots out again and grabs her, cool metal wrapping around her wrist as carefully as she did with him. He tugs lightly, mimicking her own move from before, and after only a slight hesitation, Darcy lets him lead her closer so she's standing between his knees.

"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I never wanted that to happen." Darcy bites her bottom lip as Bucky pauses to stare up at her again. Whatever he's thinking, he's decided, for the moment, to hide behind his skills. It's definitely still the Soldier reading her reactions to everything and that should probably make her more nervous than it does. "But you're wrong. I wasn't pining for someone I couldn't have. You've been the only one in my thoughts since we met."

Darcy tries to pull away but Bucky moves quicker, shifting his feet to hook behind her ankles and closing his knees to lock her in place with only the tiniest increase in the pressure around her wrist. Darcy squirms against his hold, trying to figure a way out without resorting to slamming her fist down on his broken hand or punching him in the throat. She doesn't actually want to hurt him. His head tilts slightly and one eyebrow lifts as he gives her another of those assessing looks. Of course he knows what she was thinking. And approves, if the faint upturn of his lips is anything to go by. Darcy shakes her head and stops struggling.

"Let me finish." There is just the slightest note of censure in his voice, but it gets under her skin.

"I'm not making this up," Darcy hisses out from behind clenched teeth.

"I know." The response is swift and she feels Bucky's fingers twitch against her wrist and the pressure of his knees lessen. Still not enough room to get away, but she understands the message clearly. Hear him out, let him say what he needs to, and he'll let go. Darcy nods and he lets go of her arm. "You wouldn't make something like that up, but I can't remember doing it. Not even once. I can guess whose name it was though." He says the name and Darcy flinches. That feeling of dread comes back again as Bucky sighs and does that nervous thing with his lips.

"We were together for over a year." His voice is even, but surprisingly soft. His eyes never leave her face, and she knows he's processing every twitch as the words filter into her brain. "We tried to make it work, but we both finally realized we function better as friends. It was a mutual decision to end it. 3 days later, I met you.”

The room spins a little as Darcy wavers on her feet and she feels Bucky's arm slip around her waist and pull her into his lap just before her knees give out. She closes her eyes and focuses on her breathing, trying to ignore how good he smells and the way his hand strokes over her back. A slight pressure between her shoulder blades encourages her to shift and rest her forehead against his collarbone as her mind works at connecting the new information to what she already knows. Bucky lowers his head so his mouth is next to her ear, and his words are barely above a whisper when he speaks.

“You were like every fantasy I'd had as a kid, sitting right in front of me." There's something in the way he says it that sends a shiver down her spine, something he can't possibly miss. Darcy feels the heat in her cheeks, even as the ache starts in her chest. She understands now, where that feeling of missing something came from. The thought that there's more lurking still lingers though. "And maybe we both started out thinking it was a one time thing, but I couldn't get you out of my head. From that first time, there was only you. I knew it was too soon, but I couldn't resist." His hand slides down her back as her breathing calms, settling loosely around her waist again.

“Maybe that's why it happened? Not enough time to break the habit of saying that name? I don't know." Bucky shrugs and it jostles Darcy. She takes a deep breath, fighting off the memories that keep trying to surface from being so close to him, and pushes herself upright. She forces herself to meet his eyes. "Whatever it was, there’s no excuse for it, and not even close to enough words for how sorry I am. But no matter what name I said, I can promise you I wasn't thinking about anyone else. Not with you in my arms."

"You really didn't know." To her own ears, she sounds lost more than anything. Bucky doesn't speak, just gives the barest shake of his head. Darcy blinks hard against the burning feeling building behind her eyes. She looks away, focusing on anything but Bucky, before she tries to stand up. His arm locks around her, unyielding metal keeping her in place even as she struggles to move away.

"Darcy, talk to me." She shakes her head, putting both hands against his chest and pushing. When she finally demands he let go, he releases her. Darcy feels his eyes following her as she paces around the small kitchen, carefully keeping out of his reach. She's always been good at seeing connections between information, and now, with everything he's revealed, an idea of just how big a mess she's in forms in her head.

"I know I screwed up a lot. More than I even realized" Bucky continues to fill the silence of Darcy's refusal to say anything, and she hears the chair scrape against the floor again, but doesn't turn around. She knows keeping her back to him won't help much, but she's willing to take what she can get. Darcy curls her fingers around the sleeves of the coat she's still wearing to keep from fidgeting. "But from the first time you found me waiting at your door, after every mission, every time I was away, this was the first place I'd come back to. I rushed home to  _you._  Just you."

Darcy knows he's still talking, but the word  _home_  finally makes things click into place in her head. It's not the first time he's talked about home around her, but for the first time she makes the connection. Bucky isn't talking about the city, or the place he shares with Steve here in Brooklyn. He's talking about  _her_  apartment, in a very specific, very significant way. It forces Darcy to confront the idea that's been building since she found him waiting for her tonight. She's been so wrong.

She registers the silence at nearly the same moment as she spots the movement out of the corner of her eye. In desperation, Darcy turns to the fridge and leans forward against it, covering her face. She's gone this long without letting him see her fall apart, become so used to hiding it, that now it feels almost wrong to just let him know. She feels him press up against her back, somehow slipping his arms between her and the fridge to curl around her. With his face turned into her neck, he talks to her, using soft words and more apologies, trying everything to get her to turn around willingly. She shakes her head at him, fighting to regain control.

"I can't do anything if you won't tell me what's going on in your head." There's no way that he doesn't know she's crying, not with how close to her he's standing. He has to feel her shoulders shaking as she tries to keep quiet. "Darcy, you've trusted me this much. Whatever it is, just say it." The comment about trust breaks her.

"I messed up." His response is immediate, turning her around so they're face to face. He isn't at all surprised by her tears and doesn't even pretend to not know what she means.

"No, you reacted to my screw ups." When she tries to answer back, he shakes his head at her. -Stubborn ass- She closes her eyes when Bucky brings his right hand up to touch her cheek. "Whatever you're thinking, it's not your fault."

"Both of us then?" It's raw, and not funny, but she hears a short rumble of laughter and a mumbled comment about her stubbornness from him in response. Darcy feels the shift as he pulls her into a tight hug and can't fight the urge to wrap her arms around him. She's not sure how long they stand there, but he holds her, murmuring words of comfort until the tears stop.

When Darcy finally tries to step away, Bucky's arms tighten around her and she gasps as she's pulled down. They end up on the floor, her sitting in Bucky's lap while he sits on the tiles, leaning back against the lower cabinets. She opens her eyes to find him staring at her again. After a moment, he reaches out to wipe away the last of her tears.

"Tell me." His voice is steady, if a little rough, and there's something in the way he looks at her that makes her want to squirm. She looks down at his chest.

"You already know." A resigned observation. Anything she ever managed to get past Bucky was either pulled out into the open the first time the Soldier really looked at her, or picked up on during the time he's spent studying her since. Darcy has no illusions that she could really get anything past the man who trained the Black Widow, not if he wanted to find it.

"You need to say it." He leans forward to rest his forehead against hers, his voice lowering to a whisper. "You thought I wanted someone else, that I was  _using_  you, and instead of kicking my ass for it, you stayed with me for almost a year before coming up with the flimsy excuse of moving to end things.  _I_  need to hear you say it."

"Why?" They both know she stalling, and Bucky curls his right hand around the back of her neck and squeezes gently. It's oddly comforting, and some of the tension drains out of her before she realizes why it works so well. It's one of Thor's favourite tricks, and he used it at least twice on her just this afternoon. Darcy grumbles a few unflattering comments about spies and Bucky squeezes again before speaking.

"You already know." He parrots her earlier words back at her like a challenge. "I watched you figuring it out. It's not like you have to worry about how I'll react. Just say it."

"You're an asshole, James Barnes." He leans back to arch an eyebrow at her, but doesn't hide the twitch of his lips. -Who knew the Soldier liked to toy with people?- Darcy brings her hands up to his face, feeling the prickle of stubble against her palms. Her voice wavers as she forces the words out. "And I'm the foolish girl who fell for you anyway."

Bucky urges her forward and she drops her hands to his chest, bracing herself as he buries his face against her neck. The erratic thudding beneath her hand and the shuddery breath against her skin are the only signs he allows that he wasn't as composed as he appeared. Darcy slides her arms around him and holds tighter.

"You hit me hard, Darce, and I wasn't expecting it." When the words finally come, they are muffled slightly, but even. Bucky takes a slow breath and leans his head back, eyes on her face as his fingers work between them to finish unbuttoning her coat. The slide of his hands as he pushes it off her shoulders is careful, and surprisingly intimate, considering it's only the outermost layer. He does that thing with his lips again as his hands settle at her waist. "How many more ways do I have to say you're the only one for me, to make you believe it?"

"I got everything so wrong. Missed so much." Darcy frowns and looks away as she reaches for his right hand, taking him by the wrist again. He lets her lift it, bringing it up between them to see it almost completely healed already. She's very careful in how she touches the fading bruises and newly healed skin, aware that she's using it as a distraction. Knows that Bucky knows it too, but keeps it to himself as he waits for her to finish. "I knew there was something there, but couldn't let myself believe it. Not when I was so sure you really wanted..."

"You were trying to protect yourself." He cuts her off before she can follow that train of thought any farther. "After what happened, I can't blame you for that. Hell, I was always surprised that second time even happened, the way I disappeared on you after the first." He pauses long enough that Darcy looks back up at him, the small twist of his lips fits the wry tone of his voice. "Finding out you knew who I was all along makes a lot of things about us make more sense."

"It's surprising, the things you get used to when you live on the sidelines of a superhero. Someone taking off to save the world barely even registers." She shrugs, not quite able to keep the sarcasm at bay. Bucky turns his hand in her grip, flipping the hold so his fingers are around her wrist. Darcy blinks as his expression turns serious.

"You're amazing." He lifts her hand and brushes a kiss across her knuckles, the way he did the night they met. Darcy bites her bottom lip as the memories line up and almost misses his next comment. "But you don't really believe we made it this long without kissing, do you?" It takes a second to register the words, and the idea that he's picking apart that from her earlier attack, but before she can protest, Bucky shakes his head. Remembering her other wrong assumptions, she figures it can't hurt to hear him out about this.

"You used to turn away if I tried, but always subtly, so I just figured it was a personal preference and went with it. I adapted." He leans forward, landing a soft kiss on her shoulder and she gasps as her mind jumps to all the other times he's done it before, the random press of his lips against her somewhere. The smirk on his face pulls her back into the moment again and she knows enough to be wary of it. "But when you were half asleep, or totally blissed out, you wouldn't keep your lips to yourself. Like you were making up for the times you wouldn't, with interest. Unexpected, but I wasn't gonna complain."

It takes Darcy a few seconds to be aware that the odd choking sound is coming from her. She buries her face against Bucky's chest to hide the redness she can already feel in her cheeks. How is it possible to not remember something like that, especially if it happened more than once? She feels the laugh rumble through him and realizes she must have said that out loud.

"At least I have years of brainwashing to blame for gaps in  _my_  memory." The low comment startles a laugh out of Darcy and she sits back to stare at him. She can't believe he just made that joke. "What's your excuse?"

"Weird radiation from Jane's dodgy machines?" She shakes her head and shrugs. This is almost normal for them. It can’t really be that easy. And he must still be reading her -of course he is- because he tells her to stop thinking about it. She bites off a sarcastic reply at the look he gives her.

"Did you believe what I said?" She nods. "And now that you know the truth, with enough time, can you forgive and move past it?" Darcy pauses and really thinks about it.

For so long, her reservations about this thing, this  _relationship_ , with him have  _mostly_  tied back to that one issue. With that not in the way, could it work between them? She thinks back over the time she's known him, and what she said to Jane about different circumstances. It's worth trying. Darcy nods again before resting her forehead against his and closing her eyes. 

"Then we try. And if it still doesn't work, at least we know it wasn't because of something like this." She feels warm flesh and cool metal against her neck as his fingers slide into her hair to hold her in place. "I think we'll work."

"You know that means people are gonna find out?" Bucky nods carefully so he doesn't dislodge her. He doesn't seem worried. She thinks maybe he should be. "Jane's not gonna be happy with you."

"We'll figure it out." They sit together quietly for a while, just feeling the other one close and taking the time to process everything that's happened. Eventually Bucky breaks the silence. "The only thing that doesn't make sense to me is how moving into the Tower was supposed to be a clean break? I may not live there, but I end up there often enough."

"I never said I was moving into the Tower." Darcy leans back and frowns. Bucky untangles his fingers from her hair and leans back into the cabinets as he crosses his arms.

"At lunch, you were talking about--" She cuts him off with a snort.

"You and your assumptions." She shakes her head, smiling just a little. "The happy couple is so excited that we're gonna be neighbours, they think I'll be visiting in all my spare time." Darcy reaches out and pokes him in the chest. "I told  _you_  I was going to live on-site."

He may not know all the details, but he knows Darcy works as some kind of analyst for a subsidiary of Stark Industries. He also knows she ended up in Brooklyn when her office from D.C. was moved to the Stark Tower Complex while that city was under repair. It could be enough for him to figure it out. She sees his eyes narrow as he stares at her.

"You also said a new city, which isn't really true, is it?" He's always been quick, but it's a little scary just how quickly he connects the dots when he's like this.

"Deliberate mistake." Darcy rolls her eyes. "I grew up in a small town, so they feel like different cities to me, whatever you guys actually call them here. It read true enough to keep you from looking too hard." He looks like he's dying to say something else, but bites it off. She watches him expectantly, but he gives nothing away.

"So when they said you’d be close?" She can tell the words that finally come out are not what he was going to say, but doesn't push. If it's important, he'll ask it eventually.

"The Complex was all shiny and new, and still half empty, when pieces of helicarrier destroyed our office." She feels Bucky flinch at that. She's heard enough from her friends that she's never blamed him for his part in what happened, but it's not surprising that Bucky carries a lot of guilt about the things he did back then. "They moved us into the North building until things got fixed. The promotion just means I don't have to go back. I don't think I even have clearance for the main tower, beyond what's open to the public. Or by invitation. Realistically, I could have been there for years and never run into you."

That part was a big consideration for her before she decided to accept the job. With somewhere around 190 floors,  _above_  ground, between the three buildings, the odds of running into anyone accidentally are getting into Jane's kind of calculations. And with the security measures they have in place everywhere in the Complex, one conversation with her boss about an ex possibly following her would make her all but invisible to someone actually trying to track her down. Bucky mentions loopholes when she explains it to him and she laughs, betting Stark would know and have them flagged.

"You wouldn't have been looking that hard for me anyway," Darcy see the objection coming and puts her hand over his mouth to stop it. "That's what I thought at the time. I know better now." He just watches for a minute and, for the first time, she's almost comfortable with the Soldier's scrutiny. She feels his lips curving beneath her hand before he pulls it away.

"Good.” Darcy stays where she is, deciding it’s her turn to watch him now. She knows he’s humouring her, but he just relaxes and lets her take her time. For a little while. He must see something that has him curious because he perks up. “What?”

"You let me meet the Soldier." He gives a slow nod. Darcy knows she’s blushing, which earns her a raised eyebrow, but she knows how huge a thing that is, for him and for them. Now he’s definitely curious. "I get the impression he... approves."

"What makes you think that's new?" He gives her that slow smile of his, the one that convinced her to talk to him that first night. That's startling, when she takes a second to think about it. He’s still in Soldier mode. - _So_  not drunk enough for  _that_ conversation right now- "From the very first night, watching you handle that asshole wearing the cartoon ponies." The way his face twists at the description startles a weak laugh from Darcy. Cool metal brushes against her jaw. "Nothing wrong with appreciating a woman who can take care of herself.”

Darcy feels her heart thumping in her chest as he leans in, close enough that she can feel his lips moving against hers as he speaks.

“I promise this will be something you’ll remember.” He stays there, waiting for her permission. There’s still a lot to figure out, but for now, this is enough to start. Darcy closes the distance. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking with this, and for all the comments and kudos and feedback. Very much appreciated, and definitely helped keep me motivated to finish when things got rough. Hope it didn't disappoint in the end.


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